To be honest, the thought of two children under the age of 2 scares the crap out of me. There are times I still wonder how this became my life. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful to have gotten pregnant in the first place, much less a second time. I know many people aren’t as fortunate and there’s hardly a day that goes by when I don’t remember that.
As I mentioned last week in our pregnancy story, I was starting to feel like I was getting my groove back training for a half marathon and fitting into my pre-baby clothes. My life with Lawson was relatively easy. He had started crawling, but wasn’t so mobile I was always chasing after him. Trips to the grocery store and Target were simple. He’d sit in the cart while I shopped. He was consistently sleeping through the night. Life was good!
When I found out I was pregnant again, it sent me into a tailspin. While I was happy and excited, the thought of my life being thrown up in the air so quickly left me feeling lost and unmotivated. I struggled for several weeks (okay, maybe months). I cried a lot. I had finally finished breastfeeding and my body was mine again…for all of 5 hours before I took the pregnancy test. I didn’t want to wear maternity clothes again.
Less than 2 years ago, I had a successful career, we traveled a ton and spent our time doing whatever we wanted. Now my days consisted of caring for an infant, laundry, making meals and an expanding belly. While motherhood is one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done, it’s a pretty thankless job, especially when your little one(s) can’t speak. You might be thinking “well why don’t you just go back to work?” but it’s never that easy, right? I left my job in June 2014 because I didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore. I didn’t and still don’t have a career I’m passionate about. And I truly love being there each day to watch Lawson grow and develop.
I kept waiting for something in my life to change…I didn’t have enough time to workout now that I wasn’t running with Lawson. I was always behind on blog posts, often writing them the night before I planned to post. I mentioned all of this to a friend and she said something that really stuck with me. Instead of waiting for things in my life to change, maybe I needed to change first. Soon after I saw a quote by Gretchen Rubin on Instagram: “act the way you want to feel.”
So I started acting the way I wanted to feel. I found a workout studio that offered child care (I wrote about my love of barre3 last week). I embraced my role as a stay at home parent finding small joys in planning our meals. I added structure by knocking out my least favorite home tasks, grocery shopping and laundry, each Monday. I created and stuck to a blogging schedule (at least most of the time).
Emotionally I’ve come a long way since getting pregnant again in early January. I’m excited for Lawson to have a sibling. I don’t cry nearly as often. Most importantly, I enjoy almost every single day. I’m happy again. Oh I wonder how I’m going to have two kids under 2 but I think of all the people that have done it before me and many in much tougher circumstances. All the adorable little girl outfits don’t hurt either. :)
Your honesty and vulnerability are inspiring. Sharing thoughts that many women probably have but feel they can’t share. So happy you got the great advice and took action and are now living in a way that you dictate. I am sure more hard days before the birth but soon you will have two beautiful children!!!